Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
