So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
