maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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