Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
