Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
