I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
