I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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