Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
