1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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