If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
