I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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