I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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