i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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