How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
im on a boat
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