I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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