Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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