I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize