Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize