Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
