how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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