Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
