At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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