watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
