my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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