Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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