oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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