My hand turned me down
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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