My Higher Power is John Stamos
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
