All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
