____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
