Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
