I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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