My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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