Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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