we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
