Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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