Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
