Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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