Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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