I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
