I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Randomize
