I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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