He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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