she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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