Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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