Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
