I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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