Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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