Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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