You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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