I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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