it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
