Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize