i think my mom watched the whole time
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
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