I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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