I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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