I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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