I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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