I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize