textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
