what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
