there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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