I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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