If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
